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SCHOOL!  Though I’m currently debating pulling us both out and joining a gypsy caravan under the auspices of  “field studies”, I’m trying to step back, take a deep breath, and see that school is a net positive for BOTH of us.  Safari is apparently learning that it’s not okay to say “I can’t”, something that we’ve been working on at home as well… though, when her teacher brought it up, I felt like a parental failure.  It didn’t exactly positively reinforce that my thoughts of her not being too fond of me as just my own projections.  Pretty certain she thinks I’m a degenerate parent.  Perhaps it’s because Safari has only made it to school half the time she’s been enrolled, or maybe it’s because her nails are often caked with dirt.  At any rate, I’m not joining the PTA anytime soon (thankfully it’s only preschool and I don’t have to subject myself to hoards of other moms who are hellbent and bent out of shape on their kids education quite yet ;)).  Though I am hoping that the PTA conforms to my rosy ideas of what a healthy school community could look like, and not my irrational assumptions that it’s full of crazy parents.

AND, I guess that I’m learning it’s not okay to say “I can’t” as well.  Being with two young kids hour in and hour out, 7 days a week, is a difficult enough job in and of itself (and YES, I believe that being a stay-at-home-parent is one of the most challenging jobs one could take on, though I am extremely fortunate to have a wonderful and supportive partner by my side), adding in graduate school (MBA in Sustainable Enterprise, part-time, but still) to that, makes me want to take a shot of whiskey just thinking about it.  FORTUNATELY, my class has been quite enlightening and fulfilling, forcing me to think and think and think some more.  It’s reinforced my love of free form writing and has challenged my behaviors as a parent.  It has also reaffirmed that I hate boxes (in this case, boxing myself into a narrow career field), but has at the same time helped me confirm that I NEED a box.  Maybe that’s why I dislike them so much.  I’m a generalist at heart, or perhaps by nature, and it’s VERY difficult to create a career as a generalist.  Would someone PLEASE just make me a pretty [bedazzled] box and stick me in it?  If I start crying and shouting at you, really, it’s okay, I’ll be okay.  {This I learned over the first few mornings dropping Safari at preschool.  She shrieked as if she was being bludgened and tortured, but after 10 minutes, she was good}.  Once I’m in it, I’ll take it from there (as long as the walls are high enough).  When you’re the kind of person who is as interested in fashion design as you are in restoring salmon populations, it’s a tid bit challenging to narrow in on a career.

If nothing else, it feels good to turn my brain on and think of something other than what I’m going to cook tonight for dinner or WHY THE HELL Denali had to spill his entire bowl of yogurt, for the third time, today. I CAN’T isn’t an option going to graduate school with kids.  I have to write that paper AND change poopy diapers.  It’s a great exercise in time management and a great experiment in pushing my boundaries and saying, or at least thinking “I CAN”.

Though I’m still not convinced that any of it is sustainable long term or that a clear cut path has been forged, for now, school is a defined part of our lives.  Don’t be annoyed with my indecision (something that many have been known to do), take the ride, it’ll be, at the very least, exhilarating.

Next on the “I CAN” list is a juice cleanse followed by 6 weeks of NO SUGAR (not even honey), NO ALCOHOL, NO COFFEE, NO DAIRY, NO GRAINS, NO YEAST, and of course, no processed foods.  Hoping that it’ll make everything feel a little lighter and a littler easier and if I’m lucky, it’ll even inspire me to tell about it.

As is the theme of my blog, life’s a journey, we’ll see where we’re at in 6 months… bon voyage.


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